Writing Tips – What’s Wrong With This Scene? – No. 8
I’m working on the second draft of my new novel “Red Satin Ribbons”—a romance novel. I didn’t understand what was wrong with the opening scene until I sent it out for a critique last week. See if you can spot the problem.
Red Satin Ribbons
Chapter 1.
“Hey! What are you doing? Get out of there before you drown!”
If he inched away from the stony riverbed to get two steps closer, he might lay a hand on her arm. But he slipped. He eyed the raft behind him, but couldn’t decide whether to go for his paddle or lunge for her. Water rafting required a raft, a life jacket, and head gear. This woman had nothing. She stood in frigid waters wearing a sheer sleeveless dress with a jacket hanging off her shoulders. Pale fingers looked icy cold. She had a beardless Van Gogh stare. Her thick, coarse hairline bristled against the wind while thin long strands flitted in the breeze. Despite icy winds pelting her bony body, the woman seemed determined to end her life.
If he didn’t hurry and do something, rough currents threatened to tumble her fragile frame into the river. He didn’t think the woman heard him. She lifted her hands waist-high and stepped into the river until knee deep.
“Lady, don’t do it!” He rushed to his raft and grabbed his paddle. “Here, grab hold. I’ll pull you in.”
She looked over her shoulder and fixed her deep-set eyes on his. Her blank stare seemed dark, haunted, as though she’d become intimate with death. Then she plunged forward.
One bad footing after another plummeted his knees to the rocky surface before he was able to push his raft in after her. Although he scanned both sides of the canyon, the female had disappeared. Powerful waters dipped and propelled his raft upward then slammed it too close to shore. In a frantic attempt to find her, he stabbed his paddle in the waters as deep as he could and maneuvered to the middle of the river. Without warning currents blindsided him. They catapulted the raft high in the air, bounced him so hard on the turbulence he almost went overboard.
The problem many had with this scene, and I agree, is that the thorough description of the woman interferes with the dialogue that comes after. I need to move the dialogue closer to what was previously said. The descriptions in between slow the pace of the story, and it makes the scene a little confusing.
Many times in our need to put every single detail into our scenes, we fail to realize that we are doing more harm than good. This poses a problem for the reader. It doesn’t mean that I can’t include descriptions of the woman’s attire. It simply means I can’t do it here. I’ll have to find another place for it, or I’ll have to delete it altogether.
While you’re writing your masterpiece, see if you can spot areas where too much description is distracting from the main focus. Descriptions are better conveyed by sprinkling a little here and a little there. Not all at once as I’ve done here. This scene has been rewritten and will read much smoother, without all the interruptions, once the book is ready for publication.
Also, keep in mind to watch your tags at the end of dialogue. When it’s clear who is speaking, tags can get in the way and slow the pace of your novel. Too few can make the conversation confusing. You’ll have to work hard at striking a balance.
Hope you gained some insight.
Happy Writing!
Donna B. Comeaux
Freelance Writer, Poet, Novelist
My new novel, “Selfish Ambition” can be found at: http://www.Smashwords.com.
It’s FREE. No sign-in.
Writing Tips – Describing Facial Expressions – No. 7
I have been stumped a number of times when trying to describe facial expressions. After reading a number of indie novels, I’ve come to realize many of us have a time tackling this issue.
In my search for the right word, I came across a neat site. I love it when I find sites that don’t give long explanations you and I don’t need. Below is such a site.
Happy Writing!
Donna B. Comeaux
Freelance Writer, Poet, Novelist
My new novel, “Selfish Ambition,” online, no sign-in, FREE!
PLEASE, I need feedback. It will help me gauge my abilities and better prepare me for my new novel.
Person of Prayer
I couldn’t help but share this short reminder concerning our promise to pray for others. How often have you left Sunday morning worship with another promise to pray for someone? And how often have you failed to do so?
The first reason we fail to pray for one another is maybe we don’t have a deep affection for the brotherhood. The second reason could be that we don’t have an active prayer life. Sometimes we just forget. Whatever the reason, ask God to help you correct this issue. I had the problem some time ago, but I heard a sermon and read scriptures that changed my life. It’s not that I never prayed. I did pray. All the time. I was just slack in keeping my promise to pray for someone who specifically asked me to do so. Many of us have this issue. But since that sermon I heard years ago, I’ve learned so much about prayer and how it effects God.
Below are (1) scriptures I refer to time and time again that remind me of how effective prayers are to God and to the brotherhood; and (2) a blog that I read by Michael Morrison on the Ruby for Women website that generated this writing.
(1) Scripture readings:
I Samuel 12:22-24
“For the LORD will not abandon His people on account of His great name, because the LORD has been pleased to make you a people for Himself. Moreover, as for me, far be it from me that I should sin against the LORD by ceasing to pray for you; but I will instruct you in the good and right way. Only fear the LORD and serve Him in truth with all your heart; for consider what great things He has done for you. . .”
Romans 1:9
“God, whom I serve in my spirit in preaching the gospel of his Son, is my witness how constantly I remember you . . .”
Colossians 1:9
“For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives, . . .”
Revelation 8:3-5
“Another angel came and stood at the altar, holding a golden censer; and much incense was given to him, so that he might add it to the prayers of all the saints on the golden altar which was before the throne. And the smoke of the incense, with the prayers of the saints, went up before God out of the angel’s hand. Then the angel took the censer and filled it with the fire of the altar, and threw it to the earth; and there followed peals of thunder and sounds and flashes of lightning and an earthquake.”
Revelation 5:8
“When He had taken the book, the four living creatures and the twenty-four elders fell down before the Lamb, each one holding a harp and golden bowls full of incense, which are the prayers of the saints.” (Revelation 5:8)
(2) http://rubyforwomen.com/2015/01/person-prayer-michael-morrison/
If you have promised to speak to God for someone, please understand that what you are about to do is send a sweet-smelling aroma to God on behalf of your sisters and brothers. Imagine the angels holding a bowl of incense of your prayers before the alter. What greater gift can you give your sisters and brothers in Christ Jesus? I have never seen greater joy than that of a brother or sister who has been told prayers went up to God on their behalf. When they look into your eyes and see truth, relief comes over them, soothes them into a warm peace. Love binds them together–tighter with Christ, and then with you.
Give a brother and sister spiritual relief today by praying for them. In return you will experience an indescribable joy . . . a joy, that in spite of your circumstances, leaves you smiling all day long. Experience the joy of Christ by praying one for another.
To God be the Glory! Forever!!
Donna B. Comeaux
Freelance Writer, Poet, Novelist